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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25052695">When Paradise Calls Me, I'd Rather be Here</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadow13/pseuds/shadow13'>shadow13</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(I think I'm hilarious), (it's fairly tame), Accidental Marriage, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Aragorn wants to talk about the situation like an adult and everyone says no to that, Drinking, F/M, Friendship, Humor, M/M, Modern AU, Sexual Content, Stag Nights &amp; Bachelor Parties, Underage Drinking, Weddings, just guys being dudes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 11:06:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>15,106</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25052695</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadow13/pseuds/shadow13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>For his bachelor party, Aragorn just wanted a nice camping trip. His friends had other plans - a night of excess in a casino town, replete with gambling, risque floor shows, those weird love chapels, and way too much food and booze.<br/>And then Legolas and Gimli accidentally got married. Oops.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Aragorn | Estel/Arwen Undómiel, Gimli (Son of Glóin)/Legolas Greenleaf</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>107</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Boy's Weekend</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/mztlynne/gifts">mztlynne</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm basically in writer therapy right now: after two years in grad school getting an MFA and another three spent working on a novel, my writing muscles are pretty badly injured. And as bad as writing a novel is, pitching one is far worse, my dears. So this is an experiment to see how much fic I can write in one day, just for the joy of it, like the old days. (For the record, I got fifteen pages/three chapters in, then I had to go to bed.)<br/>This takes place in a universe setting similar to “The Second-Breakfast Club” by Angela and Lisafer on AO3 – where you just don't think about it too hard, geography and ages are condensed, and *let's all just have a good time, okay?* But seriously, go read that fic, it's one of the best I've read in a long time, let alone the best LotR fic I've yet to see.<br/>This will be edited for grammar but not for content. Unfortunately I haven't dragged my fandom friends deep into the Tolkien pit with me yet, and the friends I have who do know the content aren't in fandom, so! If you want to be my friend in this beautiful pit, hit me up on tumblr at shadow13dickpistons.tumblr.com</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Aragorn told Boromir his plans for the stag do, the latter immediately had objections. “A camping trip, Aragorn? What kind of a bachelor party is that? We can hardly haul a keg out into the wilderness!”</p><p>“Pippin's too young to do anything at a bar,” had been Aragorn's steady, sure reply, as it always was. “So what was I to do, not invite him? How could I, and then invite his cousins, or Sam? And then what, not invite the Shirelings at all?”</p><p>“He has a fake I.D.”</p><p>“You didn't say that, I didn't hear that.”</p><p>Boromir rolled his eyes. “And I somehow suspect there won't be any mostly-naked girls popping out of cakes halfway into the Emyn Muil.”</p><p>“Nobody wants that anyway. Besides, I like our camping trips.”</p><p>Boromir had at last succeeded in convincing his friend of a compromise: they could rent a house out on a lake, which would have enough space for the eight of them, and be both rustic while also providing the proper setting for a real stag do. Aragorn had relented when reminded of the disastrous post-college camp-out he'd organized on Caradhras, which, as no one ever tired of telling him, ended in a whiteout and nearly killed the Shirelings.</p><p>“It wasn't <em>that </em>bad.”</p><p>“I was buried under the snow!”</p><p>“That's only because you're short, Pippin.”</p><p>Aragorn had conceded Boromir's plan was a good one when they'd gotten the key from the lock box and opened the place up. Four bedrooms, three baths, plus a sleeper sofa in the living room; a deck that looked out over the lake; and one very well stocked kitchen. There were bags of junk food all over the counters, along with a very nice basket of fruit, and a note: “'<em>To Aragorn and friends, congratulations and have a good time. - T. Bombadil</em>,' oh, that was nice of him to leave all the snacks, he didn't have to do that...”</p><p>“You'll have to leave a good review.”</p><p>Pippin had already found the container of cheese balls, easily as large as his torso, and was claiming it. “This one's mine!”</p><p>“Pippin, you have to share!”</p><p>It was agreed there would be no electronics beyond nominal phone usage, but absolutely no work calls or emails. Merry had packed in several complicated board games that he assured, “No, really, they're a blast. Once I explain the rules-” Gimli and Sam were working on the fire pit, and every person had brought at least two twelve-packs of one kind of alcohol or another.</p><p>Boromir was less than impressed with Legolas' contribution, however. “Seltzer?”</p><p>“It's hard seltzer.”</p><p>“It's <em>seltzer</em>.”</p><p>“It's organic! It's filtered rainwater and botani-”</p><p>He didn't get a chance to finish, because Boromir had caught sight of Aragorn with his phone. He had a kind of laser vision for when his friend was talking to his fiance, though Boromir claimed it was easy to spot by the stupid look that went across his face. “<em>Aragorn</em> – are you texting? Is it Arwen?”</p><p>He looked like a deer caught in the headlights. “....No?”</p><p>“<em>Give me that</em>, this is a girl-free weekend!”</p><p>“I'm just checking on- don't you take my phone!” Aragorn took off in a run toward the lake shore with Boromir hot on his heels. Frodo just laughed and organized the unpacking with Sam.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>By the time the sun started dipping beneath the tree line, the boy's party was well under way. And it was a <em>boy's </em>party for certain. Pippin hadn't remembered to pack a toothbrush, but he <em>had </em>remembered several super soakers, and had spent the afternoon with Merry filling them and sniping everyone possible. Gimli had barked at them to keep away from the fire pit, and other than Pippin nearly running into the lit grill, there had been no injuries. He'd managed to spray Boromir right in the butt, however, who then threw him into the lake for penance. He looked like a drowned rat, but was drying off by the fire and warming himself up with a sausage from the grill and shots of the whiskey Gimli had brought (Aragorn just pretended not to see that).</p><p>The man of the hour had stopped being so serious for a moment, however, and was well on his way to intoxicated. Legolas plunked him down next to Frodo at the fire, saying, “I was worried he was going to put his face on the grill, watch him for me, will you?”</p><p>“Did I ever tell you,” Aragorn began, swaying in his seat, “the first time I proposed to Arwen?”</p><p>“Oh gawd.” Legolas rolled his eyes and made a hasty escape back to the grill to help Sam.</p><p>Frodo was more magnanimous than that, though. “No, I don't think you did.”</p><p>“It was in high school...at homecoming...I went up to her to ask her to dance, and instead of saying 'Would you like to dance with me?' I said, 'Would you like to marry me?' Just blurted out of my mouth.”</p><p>Frodo laughed. “I guess you were nervous.”</p><p>“Not this story,” Boromir nudged Aragorn over and sat with them, offering Frodo a burger. “She wasn't even his date.”</p><p>“So then after we graduated college I asked her again-”</p><p>“Aragorn, we've all heard this a million times.”</p><p>“-and she said yes, but Elrond said we were too young to get married yet, cause how was I even going to support a family. So I promised her, I said I was going to become the best man I could for her, and-”</p><p>“And you worked <em>extra </em>hard and now you're an executive at Dúnedain and you're gonna live happily ever after – <em>please </em>eat something.” Boromir practically shoved a burger into his mouth. “I'm not cleaning up after you if you get sick.”</p><p>“She's too good for me, Frodo,” the groom continued, slinging his arm around his friend and just...holding his burger. “She's way too good for me.”</p><p>“That's not true,” Frodo replied around a mouthful of food. “You're one of the greatest men I know, Aragorn. Oh! Don't start crying, I'll cry, too!”</p><p>“Eight help us,” Boromir grumbled, giving up on both of them.</p><p>When it was too dark to keep from tripping over themselves, the party was moved back inside. Aragorn passed out on the couch, but Merry had organized all but Sam for a game of Twilight Imperium; Sam was using cleaning up as an excuse to get out of playing, as he was all too familiar with Merry's collection of games.</p><p>“<em>Ohmygawd</em>, there are so many pieces.”</p><p>“Merry, this rule book is bigger than my dissertation.”</p><p>“It'll be fun!” A half hour into explaining it, no one else but Frodo and Pippin seemed convinced of this. “No, Gimli, that's your <em>secret </em>objective card, you hide that from the other players!”</p><p>“How long is this game going to last, anyway?”</p><p>“Not that long. Maybe eight hours.”</p><p>“<em>Eight hours</em>!”</p><p>They made it to about one in the morning before Boromir finally said, “Fuck this game, I sunk your fucking battleship, I'm going to bed!” and it was agreed they'd better wait and finish it tomorrow. Aragorn they forgot on the couch.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Aragorn's hangover the next day was relatively mild, and to treat it, he took Frodo fishing with him and packed a large thermos of hot, black coffee. Everyone else thought it was inhumane to get up that early just to kill some helpless fish, and slept in – except Legolas, who always, always, <em>always </em>went on a morning run, and intended to do at least two laps around the lake.</p><p>Pippin and Gimli were watching from the windows, while Sam was cooking up a large pile of bacon for breakfast, and Aragorn was showing Frodo how to gut and bone the fish by the lake shore. It was promising to be a hot day, and for the second lap, Legolas had removed his shirt.</p><p>“I always forget how strong he is,” Pippin grumbled, looking rather forlornly down at his own figure. “I tend to think, 'Hey, at least I'm not the only skinny guy,' but then when you see him like that, I feel like a shrimp.”</p><p>“Strong?” Gimli scoffed. “That's all just lean muscle, that's not <em>strong</em>.”</p><p>“I'm sure he could pop my head clean off if he tried,” Sam said, pouring grease into an empty beer can.</p><p>“<em>I </em>could pop your head off and turn it into jelly!”</p><p>“Gee, that's nice.”</p><p>“See, young Took!” Gimli was showing off his arms, sleeves rolled up. Pippin could hang off them if he tucked his legs up to his stomach. “And it's not just arms – it's back, and stomach, and thighs-”</p><p>“I always thought you had a bit of a gut.”</p><p>“A-” Gimli was sputtering in outrage. “A gu- did you just say a- do you know <em>nothing </em>about core strength, I can't believe you just- <em>a gut</em>!”</p><p>“Morning, everybody.” Legolas entered the kitchen in only his running shorts and with a small towel wrapped around his neck. “Ooh, Gimli, save me a ticket for the gun show.”</p><p>“Legolas, tell them I do not have a gut.”</p><p>“Pippin, don't body shame Gimli.”</p><p>“<em>I don't have a gut</em>!”</p><p>“Sam, look!” Frodo rushed in with three freshly filleted fish. “We caught lake herring! It'll go perfect with eggs.”</p><p>“It sure will!”</p><p>Aragorn followed, catching sight of Legolas. “I thought I told Boromir I didn't want any half naked girls for the weekend.”</p><p>“<em>Ha ha</em>,” Legolas pulled his long, yellow hair from it's ponytail and fluffed it to cool the sweat from the nape of his neck. “Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot-like-me?” accented with a cocked hip on each word.</p><p>“Nope. Oh, Sam, bless you, you made more coffee.”</p><p>“Are Boromir and Merry not up yet?”</p><p>“Merry will wake up as soon as he smells bacon and herring.”</p><p>Gimli, however, was clearly still pouting, and Legolas leaned over him from behind, sliding his arms down over his friend's shoulders. “Gimli, baby, don't you mind them! Everyone knows you're the hottest guy here. Apart from me.”</p><p>“Uh?” Pippin raised a hand. “I didn't know that?”</p><p>“I admire your dedication, Legolas,” Frodo said, taking a seat at the table with a fresh mug of coffee. “I can barely walk every day, let alone get up early and go running.”</p><p>Legolas shrugged, releasing Gimli and tossing his towel over the back of an empty chair. “It's easy when it's habit. I've done it since eighth grade.”</p><p>“Habit, pah!” Gimli was scoffing. “He's obsessive. He runs during blizzards-”</p><p>“It's good training.”</p><p>“-I had to tie him down in college to keep him from running when he had pneumonia.”</p><p>“Kinky!” Gimli grabbed the abandoned sweat rag and threw it into Pippin's face. “<em>Blach-</em>!”</p><p>“Listen, gentlemen,” Legolas said regally, grabbing a pear from the fruit basket. “My body is a temple and I am its high priest! You'd all benefit from an exercise regime.”</p><p>Sam had put out the first of the eggs, and Aragorn was helping himself while Frodo went to get Boromir and Merry up before the food was all gone. “Question, why is Gimli the hottest guy here?” the groom asked, shoving bacon into his mouth.</p><p>“He's a bear. Though he's also leaning bull.”</p><p>“What am I?” asked Sam, genuinely curious.</p><p>“You're a cub.”</p><p>“What about me?”</p><p>“You, Pippin, are an otter.”</p><p>“That sounds exciting enough.”</p><p>Boromir stumbled with Merry into the kitchen, half bleary with sleep. He took one look at the assembly and said, “Aragorn, I thought you didn't want any half naked girls this weekend?” Pippin handed the towel back to Gimli, who threw it at Boromir.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>It was beautifully, punishingly hot that day. Aragorn took one of the super soakers and hunted Sam and Frodo through the woods, where he had much more success hitting them than they ever did in catching him. Boromir and Gimli had started a game of chicken in the lake, the former hoisting up Pippin on his shoulders and the latter Merry.</p><p>“Is that a good idea?” Sam and Frodo had come back from the sniping session completely soaked, and were catching their breath watching along the lake shore, sitting with Legolas. “Gimli's much shorter than Boromir, surely it's not a fair contest.”</p><p>Legolas shook his head. “You're underestimating them; with the lower center of gravity, they'll be able to haul Pippin right off of him.”</p><p>“Maybe,” laughed Frodo. “But Merry's heavier than Pip is, he's just as likely to drown Gimli.”</p><p>Aragorn flopped next to the others, a can of something in hand. Frodo was relieved to see it was only water, though not surprised, either, given how responsible his friend was. “Aren't you three going to go swimming?”</p><p>“No, not me.”</p><p>“But Sam, you're wearing swim trunks.”</p><p>“That was just for the game.”</p><p>Legolas finally noticed something. “Why are you wearing a shirt <em>and </em>trunks?”</p><p>“Well, I-”</p><p>There was a great splash, and Legolas was right, Merry had pulled Pippin down from Boromir's shoulders. There was a great deal of laughter, and Legolas watched as Boromir waded up to Gimli, talking low and pointing to the shore. Whatever he said must have been good, because Gimli was laughing and nodding his head. Legolas returned his attention to Sam and began tugging at the shirt. “Come on, baby bear, you're among friends, time to be proud of yourself.”</p><p>“Well, I'm not!”</p><p>Dripping wet, the four contestants waded to the shore, though Pippin was whining. “We could go another round, surely?”</p><p>Merry laughed. “We've beaten you five times already!”</p><p>“Best out of eleven!”</p><p>“I need a break,” Boromir gasped, collapsing next to Aragorn. “What are you drinking.” He showed him the can of flavored water. “And here I was starting to think better of you.”</p><p>“I'd battle you, Pip,” Legolas sighed, “but I'm too tall to hold anyone else up, and no one is strong enough to hold me.”</p><p>“The hell no one is.” Gimli grabbed Legolas' hand and yanked him to his feet. “Come on, Legsy, in you get.”</p><p>Aragorn stood, handing his can off to Boromir, who in turn passed it across to Frodo. “I'll carry you, Pippin, come on.”</p><p>Pippin ran back into the water, yelling for joy, while Merry shielded his eyes. “Heavens, Sam, you're white as a sheet.”</p><p>“Legolas stole my shirt!”</p><p>“That sounds like him.” Boromir settled himself with his weight on his elbows, watching the new combatants. Gimli didn't rise nearly so far out of the water as Aragorn did, but it was actually a good match, since it put Legolas and Pippin at eye level. “My money's on Gimli and Legolas.”</p><p>“No way, Aragorn and Pip!”</p><p>“Mhm,” he shook his head, while they listened to Gimli bark strategy and encouragement to Legolas, and Pippin squealed like a little girl. “Those two together are unstoppable. Merry, if you're going in, grab me a beer, would you?”</p><p>“I suppose they are two peas in a pod,” Frodo conceded while Merry went to grab the cooler full of drinks. “Match made in heaven and all that.”</p><p>Boromir gave a bark of laughter, but settled into a smile. “Something like that....can you believe they hated each other when they first met?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“No, that's impossible,” Sam agreed, and both he and Frodo stared at Boromir.</p><p>“It's true. Thanks, Merry,” he added as he was handed a cold drink. Boromir popped off the cap and took a long swig before sharing anything else. “It was back in college, the four of us started hanging out a lot, all lived on the same floor. I was on the intramural team with Strider – that was his nickname, with his long legs – and he had Ethics with Legolas, and then Gimli was the weird guy nobody talked to until Aragorn found him painting Warhammer figures in the lounge, and they got to talking about that. But Legolas and Gimli <em>hated </em>each other.”</p><p>He paused to take another long swig and Sam and Frodo looked at each other before looking back at the water. “I have a hard time imagining that.”</p><p>“It was awful. Always bickering like a married couple, just very different backgrounds.”</p><p>“So what changed?”</p><p>“Mm,” Boromir took another sip. “Well, Strider convinced us to all go to Lórien for spring break – <em>I </em>think cause he wanted to see his girlfriend without us hassling him about it – and Gimli fell in love with the place, got real into the art and food and culture. And that,” Boromir shrugged, “made Legolas fall in love with Gimli.”</p><p>Frodo laughed. “Not literally.”</p><p>“Well, practically. They became roommates next semester and were joined at the hip, almost more annoying than Strider and Arwen.”</p><p>There was another great splash and a hoot of triumph from Gimli. Legolas hadn't merely pulled Pippin down from Aragorn's shoulders; he'd grabbed him, hauled him off, and thrown him farther into the lake. Aragorn had to go swimming after him while the others clapped on the shore.</p><p>In the water, Legolas leaned back so he flopped down, beneath the surface, pulling Gimli in with him by the strength of his long legs. Gimli didn't surface right away, treading under the water and grabbing Legolas in good-natured vengeance. Legolas leaned up and kissed him, so long as they were underwater. He felt it imperative to do so while none of the others saw, because this was just casual, they were just comfortable with each other; but Pippin would make a big deal out of it, and everyone would start asking questions, it would get embarrassing and uncomfortable. He breached the surface and flipped his yellow hair behind him, watching as Aragorn only finally reached Pippin deep in the lake.</p><p>Gimli surfaced next to him. “Listen,” he said, equally unperturbed by the kiss, as it was practically their standard greeting. “Boromir had this plan, for next weekend. A little extra fun for Aragorn.”</p><p>He raised an eyebrow. “I'm listening.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I've been invited to games of Twilight Imperium, but not played myself because, like Sam, I have far too much sense.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Boy's Weekend, Again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Aragorn balked when told he was being dragged out for another excursion. “I was going to spend the weekend with Arwen!”</p><p>“And do what,” Boromir replied, shoving him into the car on a Friday evening. “Sample cakes?”</p><p>“No...we already did that, we were going to work on the seating arrangement.”</p><p>“Aragorn, please.”</p><p>Boromir, of course, was smart enough to get Arwen's approval first, since this could get a little risque. She, however, loved it. “You have to take pictures, I want to see him looking really embarrassed.”</p><p>Gimli and Legolas had initially argued over shotgun, but Boromir insisted that, as the man of the hour, Aragorn must sit up front, and they could deal with each other in the back. This they did, mostly by poking each other, or laughing about some stupid inside joke, or getting Boromir to yell at them when he'd catch sight of them in the rear view mirror with hands down each other's shirts or getting ready to moon other cars. Aragorn, meanwhile, was not much fun and was pouting.</p><p>Boromir sighed. “Look, you have the entire rest of your life to spend weekends with Arwen. This is just a bit of fun!”</p><p>“I thought last weekend <em>was </em>fun.”</p><p>“It was a great time, but we wanted to have some that was just us. Like in college!”</p><p>“Well,” he had to concede, “Gimli and Legolas were mooning people from the backseat in college, too.”</p><p>“And the point is,” Boromir continued, grabbing an empty water bottle and throwing it at his juvenile delinquents in the back seat, “that this is supposed to be when you misbehave, within reason. It's your last shot at freedom-”</p><p>“Arwen and I don't like to talk about our relationship like it's some kind of a punishment.”</p><p>“Aragorn, <em>shut up</em>.”</p><p>The other objection, and probably the principle one, was location. “Minas Morgul?” His jaw had dropped when Boromir had told him.</p><p>For his part, Boromir was incredibly pleased with himself. “Got a suite and everything, you should have seen the bargain price.”</p><p>“It's tacky! It's nothing but casinos and those weird chapels and strip clubs and-”</p><p>“Oh, <em>hell </em>yeah.” Legolas had been all for it. “Oh, Pippin's gonna be so mad, they have that indoor water park, I heard it has the biggest slide east of the Misty Mountains.”</p><p>Gimli was enthusiastic, too. “Roulette, black jack, craps tables-”</p><p>“Do they still have that floor show with the guys with the tigers?”</p><p>“There's all kinds of celebrity performances-”</p><p>“The food, and lots of those casinos give you free booze, and-”</p><p>“<em>Alright</em>,” Aragorn relented, as if he had any choice. “But nothing illegal, no lap dances, no girls in the room-”</p><p>“Yeah, don't worry,” Boromir assured with a roll of his eyes. “We won't have more than the regulation amount of fun.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Dinner was pretty great, even Aragorn had to admit. Lobster tails and tenderloin steak, top-shelf bourbon- “You guys, this is too expensive.”</p><p>“We're not starving college students anymore!” Boromir insisted. “We have it all covered. Will you just <em>relax</em>?” And it was true, they had all made good names for themselves post-graduation. Aragorn capped his own income as an executive, but he lived comfortably enough. An officer in his father's company, Boromir did no such thing, and he lived more than comfortably. Legolas raked it in as the media manager for Mirkwood, and he always was getting deals from companies eager to advertise with him. And Gimli had become the well-respected member of the family metallurgical business everyone knew he eventually would be. They had grown up in spite of themselves.</p><p>They had not necessarily, however, matured. After dinner was the floor show, and they trounced Aragorn up with a sash that said “Bachelor” and a hat that said “Same V Forever.” Boromir just smirked. “I promised Arwen I'd embarrass you.”</p><p>“Gee, thanks.”</p><p>“Now, you didn't want girls,” Legolas led him to the reserved table, which was, naturally, right in front of the catwalk. “So, we compromised.”</p><p>It did not take him long to figure out where exactly his friends had compromised. “A drag show. You took me to a drag show.” An admittedly extremely impressive drag show. The performers were in tight bodysuits, covered in sequins; skirts that were really just tassels; corsets so cinched he had to wonder how they breathed. The lip-syncing was good and the dancing was top notch. “I don't think Arwen could do that in those heels.”</p><p>“<em>Oh my gosh</em>.” And then the spotlight fell on their table, and the headliner came to the edge of the stage, cooing at them. “You boys are here for a special occasion! Come up here, sweetie, let me get a look at you.” Aragorn looked at his friends with what could only be described as murderous intent.</p><p>Boromir was grinning, phone at the ready. “Promised her I'd embarrass you.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“That's another good picture, too, save that one.”</p><p>“You got the video of her teaching him the pole trick, right?”</p><p>“All five of those beautiful minutes.”</p><p>Aragorn was drowning his intense embarrassment with complimentary whiskey at a slot machine, while his friends curated Boromir's camera roll. “I hate you all so much.”</p><p>“Drink up, tiger!” Gimli slapped him on the back. “You'll need to if Merry and Pip ever get a hold of that.”</p><p>“Shots next!” Legolas declared excitedly. “<em>Gimli, take one off Aragorn's chest, Boromir, get a picture for Arwen</em>.”</p><p>“No, boilermakers!” argued Boromir. “Cheaper way to get drunk!”</p><p>“You'll fill up too much on the beer.”</p><p>“If the whole point is to get drunk,” Gimli answered, “then you get an 'Adios Motherfucker.' It's in the name.”</p><p>“Oooh,” Legolas was purring. “<em>I want it</em>.”</p><p>Boromir let him be the first test subject, and was horrified when it came out. “It's blue! Gimli, that's a drink for a girl!”</p><p>“<em>Girl </em>drinks,” he replied testily, “pack way more booze than beer.”</p><p>“Tastes good, too,” Legolas added, sliding the paper umbrella behind his ear like a tropical flower.</p><p>“Does it?” Aragorn was interested. “Hey, I want one.”</p><p>The drinking started in earnest. Boromir's masculinity was the most fragile, and he stuck to drinks that were brown, and therefore for men – straight whiskey, rum and coke, dark and stormy. Aragorn pretty much took whatever was given to him, losing quarters in the slot machine, while Gimli and Legolas began a contest of shots.</p><p>“<em>I'm so excited to get married, dude</em>.” Aragorn was joyous even as the slots failed to line up yet again. “It's gonna be so great – we're gonna have kids! I'm gonna be the best dad ever. Do you think I'll be a good dad?”</p><p>“I'm scared to be a dad.” Boromir was also losing. At a mermaid-themed slot machine, he got two treasure chests – and a crab. “That's bullshit. Did you see that? That's bullshit. Stupid......fuckin' crabs...” Gimli was the only one winning, because he had that kind of luck. It was agreed Legolas was the charm, though, and he spent a great deal of time rubbing Gimli's head, or his stomach, wrapping his arms around his shoulders as he played or kissing his cheek. “Legs.....come here and pet me, too, give me one of those lucky kisses.”</p><p>“No, that's gay,” he replied, while running fingers through Gimli's thick, ginger hair.</p><p>“My parents want me to get married,” Gimli carried on the topic while he racked up yet another trio of 7s. “Mum keeps threatening to set me up with people she knows.”</p><p>“Ewwww, no, Gimli! Ew!” Legolas was whining, slamming down another complicated shot, this one full of Kahlua and Irish cream. “If you get married I have to share you and that's dumb.”</p><p>“You two might as well get married instead,” Aragorn offered, very grateful when a waitress brought him water and a cup of pretzels. “Save everybody some trouble.”</p><p>“I'd marry you,” Legolas agreed, resting his chin on top of Gimli's head. “No homo.”</p><p>“Fuck that, I'd marry you full homo!”</p><p>“Aw! You're my best friend ever!”</p><p>“You're <em>my </em>best friend ever!”</p><p>“Get a room.”</p><p>Another jackpot, the machine went wild with lights and buzzers. Gimli hit the button for cashing out, a little paper receipt spitting into his waiting palm. “Legolas. We've been told to get a room.”</p><p>Legolas affected offense. “I can't believe Boromir doesn't understand our brolationship.”</p><p>“Bro.”</p><p>“Guess we have to go get a room, then!”</p><p>“Yeah, and go get married while you're at it.”</p><p>“Alright,” Legolas wrapped Gimli's arm in his. “We will! And you'll be very jealous!”</p><p>Aragorn watched them stalk off to the cashier, sobering quickly. “They are way too drunk, someone needs to keep an eye on them.”</p><p>“Will you stop trying to be everybody's dad! They're big kids.” Boromir hit play on his machine, and it was another goose egg.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“<em>Shh</em>!” He was giggling as Gimli fell against the wall, failing to reach for the light switch and losing his balance. “You're gonna wake the others up!”</p><p>“I don't think they're back yet.”</p><p>“They have to be back, we were gone for hours.” Legolas flipped on the lights. “Boys! We got a room!” No answer. The sofa bed had yet to be pulled out, the extra hideaway bed ordered from concierge was still folded in a corner, and the beds in each bedroom still had pristine sheets. “Gimli, those two are bad. We're going to have to scold them later.”</p><p>“Uh huh.” Gimli dumped his wallet onto the coffee table, loosening the collar of his shirt. “Wanna make out before they get back?”</p><p>“Yeah, okay.”</p><p>Casual intimacy was just their thing. Sure, they never talked about it, but it wasn't as if it was <em>weird </em>or anything. If one or the other started seeing someone, then nothing happened, it didn't need to be discussed. If they were single, well, it didn't need to be discussed then, either. It wasn't serious, they didn't fuck or anything. What was a friendly tug between pals?</p><p>Gimli settled onto the sofa, lap ready for a lot of tall, lithe blonde, but Legolas shook his head. “Mhm,” he said. “Too good a view of the door.”</p><p>“Ah, right.” Which, if it wasn't a weird thing, shouldn't really matter, but Boromir would probably make it weird, and then Aragorn would want to talk about feelings, so no, better taken to a bedroom.</p><p>The suite had two bedrooms. One they were giving to Aragorn over his protestations, as the man of the hour; the other they were going to draw straws over, with the sofa and hideaway for the losers. But Gimli had no qualms about marking territory, so he eagerly pulled Legolas into the contested room, unbuckling his belt and settling against the small mountain of pillows.</p><p>They were casual with practice. Legolas straddled him, so Gimli had to lean up to reach his mouth, but it meant their hips ground together in the most electric way. Gimli undid the buttons of his shirt one-handed, and Legolas slipped it off over his shoulders, mouth going to the crook of his neck while his fingers roamed over the other man's chest. Gimli didn't have skin like any of Legolas' lovers had; it was freckled, and he was covered in thick, fiery red hair. Their skin was delicate and thin, his seemed thick somehow, like buttery leather, tough yet yielding, like the rest of him. His hands were broader and more callused, fingers deliciously thick. Legolas liked the way the other's thumb fit in his mouth in particular. He told Gimli he ought to wear shirts open, with one of his many gold chains nestled in all that hair. It was just as well he never listened, it would have been too big of a turn on.</p><p>It was a little hotter than normal. Gimli's hands fit at his hips and pulled him down hard, grabbing or even slapping his ass from time to time. Their mouths broke apart in a fit of panting. “Not enough,” Gimli was muttering. “Can't feel you through these jeans.” The clothes came off, until they were down to undergarments only, and their skin became slick with sweat and too many kisses, so they slid against one another. Fuck, but he was hard. It was getting almost painful, precum dripping from him. He wondered if he couldn't ask Gimli to beat him off really fast, before the others got back-</p><p>Legolas found himself flipped, so his friend was above him and between his legs. That wasn't fair, it only got him hotter. Gimli leaned forward and bit his ear, his collarbone, even lightly on one nipple, so he whined and strained against the hands that held him at the wrists. Not fair, not fair, not- “<em>I want you</em>.”</p><p>He felt like the bottom of his stomach dropped out. “Y-yeah?”</p><p>Gimli's mouth covered his, so for the moment there was no response, just the scratch of that sexy beard that smelled like the cedar oil he used to keep it healthy. But even when the kiss ended, Gimli still didn't say anything, brown eyes boring down into him, one hand releasing his wrist to reach down and tug at the waistband of his underwear. Legolas didn't stop him, his mouth was dry. And Gimli didn't ask any questions.</p><p>Shit, he wasn't prepared for this, he hadn't <em>packed</em>- Legolas shoved Gimli off for a second, the latter looking confused, almost hurt, and he fished for his abandoned pants and the wallet in his back pocket. He pulled out a small, plastic envelope, and threw the wallet, unneeded, onto the nightstand. Gimli's eyebrow quirked appreciatively. A condom, pre-lubricated, just what they needed in an emergency situation. They sat like that, the wrapped condom still between his fingers, panting. “...so did you want to, or-”</p><p>He didn't get a chance to finish. Gimli had shoved him back again, snatching the condom and ripping it open with his teeth. Damn it, that wasn't fair. He pressed the little circle of latex against Legolas' mouth, and he instantly got the hint. Apparently Gimli had been paying attention when he bragged about his conquests....Expertly, with just his mouth, he slid it down that...beautifully thick, vein-y shaft....oh <em>Ainur</em>, he needed this. He let his mouth linger longer than was strictly necessary, enjoying feeling as Gimli practically pulsed against him, enjoying the way those thick hands tangled in his yellow hair.</p><p>How to do this. Initially he pushed Legolas onto his knees, facing away to take him from behind, but changed his mind almost instantly, flipping them so Gimli was under and he could straddle him like before. Legolas steadied his hands against Gimli's broad chest for balance, slowly guiding him in...It didn't hurt in the slightest, even if he was thicker than he was used to...No, it was all beautiful and good, like it was supposed to be, and he tilted his head back in ecstasy, his long hair brushing his back and his partner's thighs.</p><p>It was a good, hard rhythm, the dull smack of flesh on flesh echoing around the room, filling their minds until there was nothing else, just this moment – like all the years had been leading up to it, when they knew each other so intimately in so many other ways. Gimli would catch him with his fingers wrapping around to the base of his skull, pulling him into one of those melting kisses; or his broad hand would grab his length and stroke, <em>hard</em>, until he was whimpering, begging, senseless until he was close, so close-</p><p>He finished on that sexy, broad and muscular stomach of his, making a mess of all that thick hair....Gimli finished with a few hard thrusts inside, and oh, how he wished he could have felt that, the heat of him....Still, the look on his partner's face was priceless as he twitched beneath him, eyes rolling back in his head, completely helpless under the hands of Legolas Thranduilion...They caught their breath for a moment, unmoving, otherwise silent. The enormity of it was starting to settle on him, like a heavy coat. “What did we just-”</p><p>The lock to the suite door was being fumbled, the door opened. “Oh, the lights are on,” it was Aragorn's voice. Without a word, Legolas dove for the bathroom, Gimli grabbed his trousers. “Legolas? Gimli?”</p><p>“You're finally back.” Gimli had cleaned himself off with his discarded shirt, which he left in the bedroom, sauntering into the living space. “What were you doing, finding a chapel?”</p><p>Aragorn was supporting Boromir, who was nearly falling over. “He drank too much and was about to get into a fight with one of the managers about the machines cheating him.”</p><p>“Aragorn, I'm sorry, this was supposed to be your weekend, and we-”</p><p>“It's fine, I had a great time. Where's Legolas?”</p><p>Right on cue, he left the bathroom, wrapped in one of the hotel-issue Turkish bathrobes. “Oh, hi. You're out late.”</p><p>Aragorn just looked at him for a moment. “Your neck's all red.”</p><p>“Ew, is it?” He ducked back into the bathroom to look in the mirror. “Gross, this stupid robe must be giving me a rash. I bet they just dunk it in bleach.”</p><p>Boromir was mumbling something, and Aragorn just sighed. “Somebody help me with him. Just like the old college days alright...”</p><p>Legolas took Boromir and poured water and aspirin down his throat, while Aragorn and Gimli got the sofa bed ready. “Is he alright? Do we need to go to the hospital?”</p><p>“It's not that serious,” Aragorn replied, putting out blankets. “He'll feel it tomorrow, but I've seen him worse. He has a good constitution.” He hesitated. “Should we, uh...undress him or-”</p><p>“Not it.”</p><p>“Not it.”</p><p>“I guess it's fine,” the groom sighed, rubbing at his face. “We'll just get him under the blankets and let him sleep. Varda, but I'm tired.”</p><p>Legolas handed him a clean glass of water, smiling. “Was it a nice trip, though?”</p><p>Aragorn took it, smiling. “It was. I hope you guys had a good time, too.”</p><p>“Oh yeah, it was...” Legolas realized he was about to look at Gimli and stopped himself, swallowing.</p><p>For once, Aragorn didn't notice. “I'm heading to bed. Whoever is sleeping out here, just keep an eye on him, okay?” He went into the other bedroom, and closed the door.</p><p>Gimli and Legolas finally looked at each other. “I'll stay out here and keep an eye on him,” the latter offered. “I'm the lightest sleeper.”</p><p>“Sure.” Did he want him to sound disappointed? Why?</p><p>“...Goodnight.”</p><p>“Night,” was the only reply, and Gimli disappeared into the bathroom, and all Legolas heard was the sound of him brushing his teeth, and gargling with mouthwash. And they washed the imprint of mouths off of themselves.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>At breakfast, Boromir was cruelly hungover. Aragorn was probably the most bright-eyed of the bunch, happily munching on bacon and enjoying himself. Gimli hadn't come downstairs yet, he was the last to shower this morning.</p><p>Boromir was wearing his sunglasses to keep the light from murdering his eyes, even indoors. “Legs,” he begged, “check out for us, would you? They have my card already.”</p><p>“Sure.” Legolas pushed aside his yogurt and wandered casually to the concierge. He'd decided not to stress too much about last night, it was bound to happen eventually, they were both adults, it was normal. It didn't mean anything, just two friends being....buddies. “Checking out for Suite 207, please.”</p><p>“Certainly.” The desk worker began pulling out receipts and paperwork, before finally pulling out a different form, this one looking like some kind of middle school attendance award. “The chapel forwarded this to us, sir, it's your copy.”</p><p>“Copy?” Legolas pulled it across the counter, looking it over.</p><p>“Of the license, sir.” Maybe it was only for him, but the silence felt not only awkward, but deafening. “Is everything alright?”</p><p>“Yeah, uh – what is this?”</p><p>“Your marriage license?” She leaned over to look at it. “Did they send the wrong one? Is that your signature.”</p><p>“No, yeah, no, it-” It felt like a car alarm was blaring inside his brain. It certainly was....and on the other line, that was Gimli Glóinsson alright... “Is this, like...official now?”</p><p>“Oh yes, they get forwarded to the county in the morning, it'll all be registered by Monday.”</p><p>“Great!” His voice cracked, and he grabbed up the rest of the papers. “That's great, thank you!” He hated how his steps seemed to mince back to the dining room.</p><p>Legolas fell heavily into his seat, shoving the papers into his bag. Aragorn noticed his distress. “Everything alright?”</p><p>“Can I talk to you?” He stood back up again like a shot. “Over, uh....there?” He couldn't say this at the table, not with Boromir, hungover or not.</p><p>“Sure...” Aragorn rose cautiously from his seat, following his friend to a corner of the lobby. “Was the bill more than you expected? Listen, I don't care what Boromir said, I'll-”</p><p>“<em>I think I accidentally married Gimli</em>.”</p><p>Aragorn was quiet for a moment. “Sorry, what?”</p><p>“I just got a license forwarded from the chapel, you know, it was next to the nail salon off of the casino, and-”</p><p>“How do you <em>accidentally </em>marry Gimli?”</p><p>“I was drunk!”</p><p>The elevator picked this very inconvenient time to ding and open its doors. Gimli was standing there, and he caught them looking at him. He was instantly distrustful. “Everything good?”</p><p>“Super!” Legolas beamed, and he shouldn't have bothered, for Gimli of all people knew when he was lying. “Boromir's still at the table, back in a mo.”</p><p>“'kay....” He skulked off to the dining room, and Legolas turned back to his friend.</p><p>“<em>What am I going to do</em>!”</p><p>“Back the fuck up,” Aragorn brought a hand to his temple. “<em>Boromir</em> was drunk, and we didn't <em>accidentally </em>get married.”</p><p>“No, he just tried to fight casino management!”</p><p>“I just feel like, as someone who's about to get married, <em>I'd remember getting married</em>!”</p><p>“Okay, do not.” Legolas held up one finger. “You got really drunk at that karaoke bar for Gandalf's birthday and don't remember singing 'It's Raining Men,' and I have <em>video </em>of that.”</p><p>“Do you remember <em>anything, </em>did anything else happen.” Legolas flushed; Aragorn stared at him. “You didn't.”</p><p>“I didn't say anything!”</p><p>“It wasn't in my bed, was it?”</p><p>“No!”</p><p>Aragorn got serious for a moment, in that way that was unique to him and instantly sobered any situation. “Legolas – if you were drunk enough to forget going into one of those love chapels and filling out paperwork – are you alright? I mean, was it consensual?”</p><p>“I'm fine,” he brushed off, rubbing at his tense neck. “<em>Oh my gosh</em>. What if – did I take advantage of Gimli?”</p><p>“We need to talk about this.”</p><p>“No! What? No! There is no 'we' about this situation!” He wanted to open up a hole in the floor and bury himself.</p><p>“How do you expect this to get better if we don't have a conversation?”</p><p>“Uh, I pretend it never happened, and then I kill myself.”</p><p>“<em>Legolas</em>.”</p><p>“Is something the matter?” Gimli had come to get them, and he looked grumpy. He looked from Legolas to Aragorn mistrustfully. “Boromir's worrying it's the bill.”</p><p>“Nope!” Legolas strolled back to the dining room before Aragorn could get a word in. “Ready for the ride back? You should drive, Gimli, I don't think Boromir's up for it.” Aragorn sighed and let them go. He knew when it was hopeless to argue with Legolas.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Money is the root of all evil = Vegas = Minas Morgul something something -incoherent mumbling-</p><p>Drag show inspiration was taken from the following: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAvC-kpJevg</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Reality</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Just like Legolas had predicted, Pippin was <em>extremely </em>upset in the group chat when he heard they'd gone to Minas Morgul. “They have that kickass indoor water park with the tallest slide east of the Misty Mountains! <em>Please </em>tell me you went down Cirith Ungol.”</p>
<p>“Sorry,” Aragorn was perfunctory as always. “We didn't go swimming.”</p>
<p>“I hate you all so much.”</p>
<p>Legolas had plenty to keep him busy once they got back. Two weekends out of town meant laundry and dishes had been piling up, and his plants were crying out for his attention. Days he spent buried in social media strategy for Mirkwood, and evenings he went to the archery range, or cleaned his apartment, or got talked into getting online for games of Minecraft by Merry. “Legolas, did you bring home more <em>fucking parrots</em>?”</p>
<p>“Fuck off, they're my entourage.”</p>
<p>He did anything but talk to Gimli. But he had to be careful not to make it seem like he was avoiding him entirely, even though he was. Normally they'd spend the evenings texting each other, or even on the phone, talking about nothing. Now, he couldn't. Legolas was paralyzed. How could he tell his <em>best friend </em>how badly he'd fucked everything up? Gimli sent him pictures of the new project he was working on; Legolas only responded with an emoji.</p>
<p>By Thursday, Gimli was confronting him, at least by text. “If it was bad, just tell me. I thought you liked it.”</p>
<p>He practically had a panic attack. “What do you mean?”</p>
<p>“Don't play dumb blond, the sex. Was it that bad?”</p>
<p>“No, it was great.”</p>
<p>“So what's wrong?”</p>
<p>“Nothing's wrong. I'm just really busy and really tired.” There wasn't a response for a while after that. Legolas thought maybe that would be the end of it, until he started getting ready for bed, and saw the notification on his phone.</p>
<p>“Liar.”</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“Are you home tonight?”</p>
<p>It was Friday at last, and even with his social nature, Legolas was happy to be having an evening of quiet. Aragorn was at least partly right, as he usually was, he did need to talk to Gimli about what happened at <em>some </em>point. Otherwise it was going to be a very rude awakening when he got paperwork back from Ithilien County letting him know the marriage license had been successfully registered.</p>
<p>The text, the question, was from Gimli, his <em>new husband</em>, Legolas noted wryly. Arwen would die laughing if she knew they got hitched before she and Aragorn did... He typed out his reply: “Yeah, what's up?”</p>
<p>There wasn't an answer. He didn't particularly worry about it, pouring out a vodka cranberry, until the doorbell rang.</p>
<p>“Oh <em>shit</em>.”</p>
<p>Maybe if he didn't answer it, Gimli would give up and leave. “Legolas, open the door. I can hear you being an idiot inside.” Nope, apparently not.</p>
<p>He opened the door. “That's not very nice.”</p>
<p>“What in the <em>hell </em>is your problem?” Gimli shoved his way in like this was his own apartment – which, normally, wouldn't have been a problem, he spent so much time there.</p>
<p>Legolas sipped his drink. “I don't know what you mean.”</p>
<p>“You're avoiding me.”</p>
<p>He scoffed. “I am n- I can't believe you'd say that! I am just-”</p>
<p>“What is going on.” He said it in that way that brooked no argument; the way he'd sometimes pull on one of his strands of hair before they would fool around, whispering, “<em>Come here, baby</em>.” It wasn't fair.</p>
<p>Legolas sighed, and put his drink down. “It's really complicated. I don't want you to get mad.”</p>
<p>Gimli raised a bushy, red eyebrow. “Okay?”</p>
<p>“Do you, um,” he rubbed at the back of his neck. “Do you remember last weekend, at the casino.”</p>
<p>“Yeah? That's kind of why I'm here.”</p>
<p>“We, uh. We sort of gotmrid....”</p>
<p>“What? You're mumbling.”</p>
<p>“<em>We got married</em>, Gimli.”</p>
<p>Gimli just stared at him. The silence stretched on. He thought he could hear his plants growing. “<em>What</em>?”</p>
<p>Legolas just huffed and went to his desk, pulling open a drawer and pulling out papers. “Here.” He shoved the marriage license at him. Gimli stared at it the same way he had the week before. Legolas waited for him to speak, his silence cruel and punishing.</p>
<p>Gimli at last looked up at him. “How long have you had this?”</p>
<p>“Since we checked out of the hotel.”</p>
<p>“You've had this since <em>Sunday </em>and you didn't tell me?”</p>
<p>“I was going to!”</p>
<p>“When, Legolas, when we have to file fucking joint taxes?”</p>
<p>“Look, what was I supposed to say!” he huffed, grabbing his drink again. “'Hey, Gimli, hope you're sitting down, surprise, we got married, but it's all jokes.'”</p>
<p>“I mean, yeah, that would have been <em>better</em>.” He didn't have anything coherent to say, so Legolas just threw his hands in the air before downing the rest of his drink. Gimli was quiet with contemplation. “....So this wasn't about the sex.”</p>
<p>“No, it....” Legolas found he still couldn't look at him. “That was all fine. As long as it was fine for you,” he added, remembering Aragorn's concern.</p>
<p>“Yeah, it was fine...” He looked down at the license again. “We can fix this, you know.”</p>
<p>Legolas blinked. “Fix?”</p>
<p>“I mean, this has to happen all the time. I can send it off to my lawyer and we'll get it annulled.”</p>
<p>That shouldn't have hurt as much as it did. “Sure. Fine!” He busied himself putting more ice in his glass, and pouring in <em>way </em>too much vodka.</p>
<p>“That's not a fine noise.”</p>
<p>“It's a 'whatever you want to do,' noise.”</p>
<p>“What, we're just supposed to get married, just like that? We didn't even sign a pre-nup, Legolas.”</p>
<p>“I don't want your crap.”</p>
<p>“Well, thank you very much for that.” Gimli squared his fists at his hips.</p>
<p>“Stop it,” Legolas snapped. They hadn't fought like this since college. “You know what I meant.”</p>
<p>“Look, I care about you.” Gimli crossed into the kitchen, standing next to him – so close, like nothing had changed. Like they were just going to lean against each other in the same old quiet comfort. Legolas felt like he'd ruined everything... “That hasn't changed. You're my <em>best friend</em>. But we can't just....get married. I mean, if you're going to marry someone, you should talk about it first. You deserve that, if nothing else.”</p>
<p>He sighed, putting the cranberry juice down on the counter. “Yeah....yeah, you're right.”</p>
<p>“I'll fix it all and it'll be okay. If I get the papers to the lawyer, will you sign them?”</p>
<p>He tried to smile. “Sure.”</p>
<p>“Okay.” There was silence again. “Look, I won't stay. I can tell you're stressed out.”</p>
<p>How he wanted to beg him to do anything but leave. What was he supposed to do except turn to his best friend in this time of need? “Yeah....”</p>
<p>“I'll see you next week?” Legolas nodded, and so did Gimli. “Great. Well – goodnight.”</p>
<p>Legolas half expected a goodnight kiss before he left. He did not get one.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“I want to die, my finals are killing me.”</p>
<p>“Finals. Wow, the good old days.”</p>
<p>Pippin wasn't getting as much sympathy as he'd have wanted from the group chat, especially with Aragorn consumed by final wedding preparations. It was yet another way it sucked being the youngest and the last in college. Legolas and Gimli were unusually unavailable, though the others tried to comfort Aragorn and Pippin both.</p>
<p>“How many more credits do you have before you graduate, Pip?”</p>
<p>“A billionty.”</p>
<p>Legolas wasn't logging into the group chat because he'd thrown himself into every hobby he had ever shown any remote interest in. He ran not just in the mornings, but in the evenings, too, until his knees nearly buckled; he bought more plants, more exotic ones with demanding care; he was racking up records at the archery range.</p>
<p>It meant he barely had time to look at his phone when Gimli texted him. “My lawyer sent you those papers, did you get them?”</p>
<p>“Haven't looked yet, sorry.”</p>
<p>“Okay. Let me know when you get the chance.”</p>
<p>He started checking his bills online and avoided going to the mailbox.</p>
<p>There wasn't a logical reason for this, he knew that. But something in him was <em>terrified</em>. Yes, it had all been a mistake, but signing documents felt not like annulling a marriage, but annulling a friendship. He couldn't do it, and he couldn't even tell his best friend about it. Legolas hadn't felt so alone since his mother died.</p>
<p>Finally, the texts weren't enough. Gimli was calling him. Legolas let it go to voicemail and hated himself for it, and he didn't listen to the messages, when there were any. He only picked up when it was a number he didn't recognize, thinking it was another advertiser who somehow tracked down his private cellphone. “Legolas Thranduilion here.”</p>
<p>“<em>Ha</em>!” It was not an advertiser. It was Gimli. Legolas went white as a sheet, white as Sam Gamgee without a shirt on. “I knew it,” he sounded slurred. “You're screening my calls.”</p>
<p>“I-I am not,” Legolas lied, glad Gimli couldn't see how obvious it was. “I've just been very busy.”</p>
<p>“With what,” he spat.</p>
<p>“If you must know, I-I'm,” <em>shitfuckshit</em>, “I'm helping Aragorn with the wedding.” There was silence on the other end of the line. “Gimli?”</p>
<p>“Oh, so that's how it is, is it?”</p>
<p>“What do you mean?”</p>
<p>“Well, I wanted to talk to you, talk about something important – but if you're too <em>busy</em>, far be it for me to interrupt.”</p>
<p>“Gimli, that's not-” There was a <em>click</em>. “Gimli?” Legolas pulled the phone away; he'd hung up on him.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>It was getting harder to focus on work. Legolas sat behind his desk, responded numbly to emails, and tapped his foot. The administrative assistant noticed. “You know, bouncing your leg like that is a sign of iron deficiency.”</p>
<p>“Wow, really,” Legolas replied, not looking up from his screen.</p>
<p>“My cousin sells these supplements that-”</p>
<p>“I'm really busy right now.”</p>
<p>“Of course.” She left a bundle of papers on his desk. “The mail arrived for you, just so you know.”</p>
<p>Legolas sighed, and when he'd finished approving the latest design document he'd been sent, turned his attention to the mail. Advertisement, advertisement, invitation to a conference, expenditures to approve – his hand paused. This wasn't stamped mail, it was hand delivered. The envelope had a business address, “<em>Lonely Mountain Metallurgy</em>,” in the corner in red ink.</p>
<p>He swallowed hard, carefully working it open with his letter opener. It was a photocopy, there was a big rubber stamp of the word “<em>Copy</em>” in one of the blank spaces, and he realized it wasn't even addressed to him. “Dear Mr. Glóinson, this is to inform you your petition for annulment has been received by the Ithilien County Office of Record and will be considered finalized one week from the date of this let-” Legolas slammed his hands down on the table, unable to swallow suddenly. “He didn't.” Limbs shaking, he hauled himself out of his chair – went to grab his jacket – decided he couldn't fuck with his jacket right this moment and began running out the door. He yelled to the assistant, “Cancel my appointments for the rest of the day!”</p>
<p>“You don't have any appointments today!”</p>
<p>He didn't drive to Gimli's office, he didn't even bother grabbing a cab. He ran, like some kind of crazy man in business attire, loping down the street with yellow hair streaming behind him. It reminded him of middle school, the long nights while his mother was dying, just running through the rain and the dark, even in the snow- He was sweating by the time he burst through the lobby doors of LMM's main office building. Legolas was hardly an unknown sight there, visiting Gimli as frequently as he did; a sweating and out of breath Legolas was significantly stranger. He didn't listen when the front desk clerk tried to talk to him, didn't stop for the elevator, but took the stairs all the way up to Gimli's office, sometimes two or three steps at a time.</p>
<p>Fili was the first to recognize him. “Oh, hi, Legolas. Gimli is finishing up some paperwork from a meeting, but if you want to wai-” He was completely ignored, and Legolas strode right through the office door, letting it slam behind him.</p>
<p>Gimli looked up from the papers at his desk, and seemed for a moment stricken. He recovered quickly, however. “What in the hell do you think you're doing?”</p>
<p>“How <em>dare </em>you?” Legolas brandished the papers at him. “I didn't even sign!”</p>
<p>“Well, turns out, both parties don't <em>have </em>to sign if at least one wasn't in right condition to consent.”</p>
<p>“You couldn't even <em>talk </em>to me about it, you just filed it?”</p>
<p>“Talk to you about it!” Gimli was bellowing. “When, during one of the eleven phone calls you didn't answer?”</p>
<p>Fili cracked the door open. “Hey, uh, hi – just want to let you know, the whole office can <em>definitely </em>hear you right now, so if you just wanted to lower your voice the teensiest bit-”</p>
<p>“Then why now!” Legolas demanded, hating how his voice seemed to break. “It couldn't have waited until we <em>could </em>talk about it?”</p>
<p>“No, it couldn't!” Gimli was continuing to shout. Fili gave up and closed the door; if either party had been paying attention, they might have noticed him cranking music through his desk speakers. “<em>If you like pi</em><em>ñ</em><em>a coladas</em>-” “Cause turns out, you shouldn't use a company lawyer to file an annulment at a family company, turns out, attorney-client privilege isn't what I thought it was, and my mother hasn't stopped asking me questions for three days!”</p>
<p>“I could have told you that was a stupid thing to do!”</p>
<p>“<em>No you couldn't, because you weren't picking up the fucking cellphone</em>!”</p>
<p>“<em>IF YOU LIKE MAKING LOVE AT MIDNIGHT</em>-”</p>
<p>Gimli crossed the room, past Legolas, and wrenched open the door. “Fili, will you turn that fucking thing off!”</p>
<p>Legolas dragged him back in, shoving the door closed again. “I just-” He had to stop to catch his breath. “I can't believe you could do this to me. I thought-”</p>
<p>“What?” He'd at least stopped screaming, voice down to a hoarse whisper. “I'd love to know, because you haven't shared any of your thoughts with me since Minas Morgul.”</p>
<p>He wasn't going to cry, not for this. “So that's it, huh. Caput. Zip. Done.”</p>
<p>“<em>Yes</em>.” Gimli took a handkerchief from his pocket and mopped the sweat from his brow. “It was a mistake, Legolas. And now it's over, and we can just move on.”</p>
<p>He looked at him, and for a moment, wasn't sure if he actually knew his best friend anymore. “All of it was a mistake?”</p>
<p>Gimli looked right back at him, unflinching. “I guess it was.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Undoubtedly there's all kinds of reasons one A) could not use their company's lawyer and B) they would not divulge information to the client's mother, but C) whatever, it's fun.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. The Divorce</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“'...yes, I like piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain...' Damn it, Fili, it's in my head.” Legloas sighed deeply, neck tilted so his head leaned on the back rest of the cab. He had to keep his phone balanced against his cheek, because his hands wouldn't stop shaking. “'I'm not much into health food....'” The phone kept ringing. “Please, please pick up.”</p>
<p>Like magic: “Elessar speaking.”</p>
<p>Legolas sat up. “Aragorn – I'm coming to the office right now, I need to talk to you.”</p>
<p>“Right now?” He sounded panicked. “Legolas, I have all these briefs I need to file before I go on my honeymoon-”</p>
<p>“<em>Aragorn, it's important, here I am, in the back of a cab, crying, and you're</em>-”</p>
<p>“Okay, okay! I'll cancel my next appointment!” Legolas didn't mind turning on waterworks on Aragorn, leastwise because he was on the verge of them anyway; Arwen had confided it was the best way to break him when he was being pigheaded, and this was an emergency. “If it's that important...”</p>
<p>“It is critically important. Life and death, end of the world, important.”</p>
<p>“What's the matter?” Aragorn was on his feet as soon as Legolas shoved his way past the office door. He crossed from behind the desk, and his hands hovered over his friend's shoulder, his hair, as if he would touch him, but was worried he'd give offense. Gimli would never have hesitated. “I canceled my two o'clock, is it your father, is it-”</p>
<p>“Gimli divorced me.” He was a mess, lips trembling, eyes watering. “Or – annulled everything, I don't know.” He gave a big, shaking breath, and began to pace the office.</p>
<p>It clearly wasn't what Aragorn had expected to hear, but at least he had the decency to not be annoyed about it. “Oh...” He seemed to be trying to size up the situation. “Okay...that's, well – but you said it was an accident anyway.”</p>
<p>“So! Annulment isn't an accident, that's on purpose!”</p>
<p>Legolas, calm down. I mean, that's not how you get married, for starters, someone you're not in a relationship with, who you haven't even kissed-” Legolas made a noise. Aragorn paused. “...Right, oh, well. Not when you were <em>sober</em>-” There was that noise again, only now he was awkwardly combing at his hair. “...made out with?” He nodded. “Alright, what aren't you telling me.”</p>
<p>“It's nothing!” Legolas at last spoke. “We fool around, no big deal, all between friends.”</p>
<p>“Between friends.” He nodded. “Well, Legolas, we're friends, and we've never fooled around.”</p>
<p>“Gee, Aragorn, Arwen might have objected.”</p>
<p>“The point is, there's nothing 'as friends' about this situation.”</p>
<p>“Of course there is!” he replied, like debating this was a waste of time. “You know how it is, you put on porn when you're bored and jerk each other off for fun, it's only polite-” At the look on Aragorn's face, he paused. “...You don't...toss off Boromir as a favor? To be a bro?”</p>
<p>Very quietly, he responded, “No.”</p>
<p>“Never?”</p>
<p>“Mhm,” he shook his head.</p>
<p>“Not a quick handy?” Still no. “...what about with Éomer.”</p>
<p>“Legolas.”</p>
<p>“Well, frankly, Aragorn,” he said, exasperated, “that's extremely selfish of you, I can't believe you wouldn't-”</p>
<p>“Stop it!” If he'd been sitting at his desk, he might have slammed his hands down. “Stop deflecting! You damn well know it is not box-standard to have physical, sexual relationships with one of your friends or it would have come up before now, with someone else!”</p>
<p>“Gimli never thought it was weird...”</p>
<p>“Gimli,” Aragorn exclaimed, “is bisexual!” He took a deep breath, trying to compose himself. “How long as this been going on?”</p>
<p>“Since college...”</p>
<p>“Since college,” his tiny laugh was high pitched and slightly hysterical. Aragorn stumbled back to his desk and collapsed into his chair, holding his temple. “Is that what you were doing in your room all those times the door was locked? Never mind, don't answer.” Aragorn fumbled on the desk for his water bottle like it was whiskey, taking a long and steadying swig. Legolas stood in the middle of the room. “Well, if it wasn't a big deal, if you never meant to get married – why are you so upset?”</p>
<p>“I-I don't know...”</p>
<p>“Yes, you do.” Those grey eyes of his were merciless. “You're in love with him.”</p>
<p>Legolas tried to laugh. “Don't be stupid.”</p>
<p>“You're in love with him. You know it, I know it, about the only people who haven't figured this out are Boromir and Gimli, because they're both more dense than a concrete fruitcake!” His voice was raised, which made it impossible not to listen, as it so rarely was. Legolas stood transfixed, fingers knit together, just staring at his friend.</p>
<p>-Until finally, he began to laugh. Hesitantly at first, and gently, but it was a release. Aragorn began to laugh as well. “Concrete fruitcake?”</p>
<p>“Okay, so I'm not a poet.” He was smiling again, once more the kindly and sympathetic friend. Legolas' laughter died off, and at last he composed himself. “But what am I supposed to do?”</p>
<p>“For the love of all things bright and beautiful, <em>talk </em>to him. Nothing is going to get better until you do.”</p>
<p>“Right, you're right.” He turned toward the office door, hesitating for a moment. “Aragorn...thanks.”</p>
<p>He smiled a little. “Sure.”</p>
<p>Legolas paused with his hand on the door knob, then turned, crossing the room in three long strides, pulling his friend into a hug. “<em>I love you</em>,” he sighed as he squeezed, and did not release him for a long time. “No homo.”</p>
<p>Aragorn patted his arm and smiled. “Love you, too – full homo.”</p>
<p>They remained like that for a moment, at peace with one another, until finally Legolas left. He had to catch another damn cab...</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>He was getting a taste of his own medicine. The days were passing, and Gimli was not returning any of his calls or texts, pleading voicemails left unanswered. “I'm really sorry for anything I did or said, I just need to talk to you.” It would have been enough to send him into a tizzy, but he remained calm; he watered his plants and practiced yoga; and reminded himself, this darkness couldn't last forever. Gimli was his best friend, whether he returned his love, or merely liked to play around – one fight, however bad, was not enough to break them apart.</p>
<p>It was, at long last, the night before the wedding. Aragorn and Arwen of course were busy, attending a rehearsal dinner with their families and with Gandalf. But the others decided they could “pre-game” a little themselves, since they had not all been together since Aragorn's bachelor party some weeks before.</p>
<p>It was a sports pub, since that was family-friendly until nine. Boromir took Pippin's wallet so he couldn't use his fake I.D. (“If you get in trouble and can't come to the wedding, Aragorn will murder us all – or worse, tell us how disappointed he is.”), but as this meant Boromir would have to pay for his friend's large meals, complete with appetizers and desserts, Pippin was willing to make this trade.</p>
<p>And for a little while, everything felt like it was normal and going to be just fine. Legolas slipped into his seat in the large, U-shaped booth, and the others welcomed him warmly. The atmosphere was vivacious, Merry and Pippin were enthusiastically cheering on the wrestling match on the pub's television, and it was good to be around people happy to see him. “Where's Gimli?” Frodo asked.</p>
<p>That pulled Legolas right from his warm and comfortable mood, almost looking stricken. “How should I know?”</p>
<p>“Well,” Frodo tilted his head at the reaction. “It's just you're usually together, that's all.”</p>
<p>“I'm not his mother.”</p>
<p>“No, I know that, I didn't mean-”</p>
<p>“How can you two watch this stuff?” Boromir said to the boys, taking fries off their plates while they were otherwise occupied. “It's all fake.”</p>
<p>“Oh, but the drama's so real,” Pippin replied, barely turning his head. “Ooh, he's going for the chair!”</p>
<p>Boromir sat back with a laugh. “Ah, wish Strider was here. I guess it's the end of all the old times.”</p>
<p>Sam wrinkled his nose. “He's not dead, he'll still come and hang out with us.”</p>
<p>“Ah, but it'll never be the same, Sam Gamgee, you mark my words. It'll be 'Well, let me check with Arwen,' or 'Arwen and I are having dinner with her parents-'”</p>
<p>“He's already like that.”</p>
<p>“And when they have kids!” He took a meaningful swig of his beer. “You won't catch me getting tied down like that.”</p>
<p>Frodo at least laughed. “To be fair, I can't see myself getting married, either. I guess I'll end up an old bachelor like Bilbo, and tell stories to other people's children. What about you, Legolas?” he looked up at him with a smile.</p>
<p>It was lucky his gimlet hadn't arrived yet, or he'd have choked. “You know, that reminds me, I don't think I ever heard how you all met Aragorn? Seems like a good time to tell stories.”</p>
<p>“Oh, that...” He rubbed at the back of his head. “It's a little embarrassing. We were sophomores in college – well, not Pippin, he was finishing high school – and got it into our heads somehow to sneak into this bar called the Prancing Pony. Aragorn was there with some of his friends from Dúnedain, and I guess we stuck out like sore thumbs. He snuck us out when it ended up getting raided that night, and one thing led to another, and we spent most of the night at one of those chain diners, just talking and laughing. And we've been friends ever since.”</p>
<p>Legolas smiled; it certainly sounded like Aragorn. He opened his mouth to say just that, but stopped when he heard Pippin crying, “You! You're late!”</p>
<p>He turned to look, and there was Gimli. Legolas felt suddenly stiffened, like he'd been plunged into a bath of ice water. His friend's expression was very grim.</p>
<p>Pippin shoved over to make room for the late arrival. “Well, Gimli, what do you have to say for yourself?”</p>
<p>“Traffic,” he muttered. It wasn't like him to be so quiet or so dour.</p>
<p>“I suppose you're off the hook this time,” Pippin elbowed him. “But the next round is on you!”</p>
<p>“Fine.”</p>
<p>Legolas felt like his heart was throbbing. He would try to catch Gimli's eye, but he never seemed to look in his direction, and at a certain point it was clear it was purposefully so. Sam noticed. “Are you feeling alright, Gimli?”</p>
<p>“Fine. Just have a headache...”</p>
<p>“Well, that's no good. I bet it's the change in the weather. You know, that air pressure changes, and it can really mess a body up. My Gaffer-”</p>
<p>Merry slammed his hands on the table, nearly upsetting drinks, and leaned over it with sudden seriousness. “<em>The foosball table just opened up</em>.”</p>
<p>“I call first game!”</p>
<p>“I'm second alternate! Boromir, come and play winner!”</p>
<p>“Gimli, are you coming?”</p>
<p>“I haven't even ordered yet,” he grumbled. “Give me a minute.” Soon it was just Legolas and Gimli at the table, directly across from one another. Silent.</p>
<p>“I've been trying to call you.” His voice was quiet, giving, or even pleading. He wanted to stretch his leg under the table and have Gimli catch it the way he sometimes did, stroking the ankle and the calf.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I noticed.” Still he wouldn't look at him.</p>
<p>“I understand, it's a taste of my own medicine, I get it. But I just feel like, if we could talk about this-”</p>
<p>“There's nothing to talk about, Legolas.” He looked up at him at last, and Legolas was taken aback; he'd never seen his friend's eyes so cold, so heartless, even loathing before – Gimli, whose eyes were warm and looks tender. “As far as I'm concerned, we're finished.”</p>
<p>He began to laugh to keep from panicking. “You can't mean that.”</p>
<p>“I can. I thought I knew you, and it turns out, I didn't. I only cared about some picture I made up inside of my head.”</p>
<p>“What are you talking about?”</p>
<p>“You know exactly what I'm talking about.” They went silent when the waiter delivered his stout, waiting until he was well outside of earshot before continuing. “I thought you were a....a talented, amazing, caring person, and you're not.” It was like sinking a knife into him. “Turns out you're just a duplicitous, deceiving....nasty little homewrecker.”</p>
<p>“How dare you!” He scrambled to his feet, not caring if their friends heard. “How dare <em>you </em>say that to <em>me</em> – duplicitous, I didn't send paperwork behind your back!”</p>
<p>“No, you just hid it from me.”</p>
<p>“I was not hiding it! I was....I was trying to figure out what to do.”</p>
<p>“Oh, sure. You got what you wanted out of me, and now you're bored of it and you're moving on to your next conquest, is that it?”</p>
<p>Legolas just stared at him. “What are you saying – are you calling me some kind of skank, is that it?”</p>
<p>“Yes.” Gimli was glowering. “Skank.”</p>
<p>Legolas slammed his hands down on the table, leaning over him. “I never heard you objecting to any of the skanky things <em>we </em>did.”</p>
<p>“Don't start with me.”</p>
<p>“I've started and I've finished, too. Takes two, you know. You never complained when I had you on your back with my head between your thig-”</p>
<p>“Save it.” He looked up at him, glaring. “I told you what I had to say, and that's the end of it.”</p>
<p>“Well, that's very convenient for you, Gimli Glóinson, it must be <em>so nice </em>to decide you get to have the last word and that's that!”</p>
<p>“I'm not going to sit here and argue with you...”</p>
<p>“Then don't! Listen to me-”</p>
<p>But Gimli didn't listen. He left his stout unfinished, got up, collected his jacket, and stormed out of the place, dropping a bunch of bills on the bar by way of payment before he left. Merry picked this moment to come up, out of breath. “Alright, you've had time to order. Now how about a-” He paused. “Where's Gimli gone.”</p>
<p>“He left.” Legolas used all of his control to keep from trembling head to foot. “His head was bothering him.”</p>
<p>“That's too bad. Oh, but he left his beer! Dibs.” He picked it up and paused, lips an inch from the glass. “You don't suppose what he had was catching, do you?” Legolas just shrugged. “Oh well, only live once! Hey – you're leaving? Already?”</p>
<p>“I have a headache, too,” he muttered, sliding on his coat.</p>
<p>“Jeez, Boromir should have complained about you two, not Aragorn!” Legolas didn't respond, just cashed out, and left.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. The Wedding</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I feel like a dressed up monkey...”</p>
<p>“Well, that's handy, since you look like one.”</p>
<p>Merry was spared a punch from Pippin by the door attendant asking, “Bride or groom?”</p>
<p>Pippin was frozen by the question. “Do we have to choose? Is it like teams?”</p>
<p>“No, Pippin,” Frodo leaned up from his spot in line behind Merry. “She's asking which side of the church you're sitting on.”</p>
<p>“Well, I don't see how that matters.”</p>
<p>“We're guests of the groom,” Sam told her, shoving the others forward.</p>
<p>“Right side of the aisle, please.” She handed them programs as they entered, looking very confused.</p>
<p>Legolas waited in line to enter the nave, chatting casually with Glorfindel. He hadn't been paying attention to much of anything, listening to the girl at the door asking over and over, “Bride or groom?” until he heard Gimli's gruff voice answering, “Groom, please.”</p>
<p>He whipped his head around, heart hammering in his chest. Why did he care, there was no reason to care? They were finished, it was done, what Gimli had said was unforgivable! Oh, but it wasn't fair – Gimli looked amazing, of course he did! Dressed in a burgundy double-breasted swallowtail coat, hair and beard combed and oiled to a gorgeous shine. Legolas felt like an idiot for thinking he could pull off a green suit, even if the tie did match. “Glorfindel, help – I look like a tree.”</p>
<p>Glorfindel laughed. “That isn't true at all, Legolas, you look very well.”</p>
<p>At the sound of that name, Gimli turned around. Their eyes locked. Legolas grabbed Glorfindel's arm and tried to laugh, too (oh, he'd show him a skank...). “Really? You don't think it's gauche?”</p>
<p>Gimli collected his program and took his seat next to Pippin and the others. The door attendant was now asking Legolas the same question. He saw Gimli had turned, looking over the pews back at him. “Bride,” he replied with a sniff, taking the program and waiting for Glorfindel so they could sit together.</p>
<p>Across the aisle, Merry's neck was craning to see everyone. “Why isn't Legolas sitting with us?”</p>
<p>“Well,” answered Frodo, “maybe he's trying to be polite. He knew Arwen first, after all.”</p>
<p>“Say, Gimli,” Pippin turned awkwardly on the bench to face his friend. “How much did you win in Minas Morgul?”</p>
<p>“About eight hundred dollars.” Gimli was picking at his cuticles with a pocket knife.</p>
<p>“Eight hundred- listen, I don't get financial aid until next month, and I sorta tapped myself out getting the lovebirds a wedding present. I don't suppose you'd-”</p>
<p>“Absolutely not.” A pause. “Why, how much did you need?”</p>
<p>Frodo tugged on his sleeve. “Stop that, you'll bleed all over your nice jacket.”</p>
<p>It was Boromir that joined them next, adjusting his tie as he took his seat. “Think we'll be waiting long? I swear it's the worst part of weddings.”</p>
<p>“I don't think so, Arwen's family certainly seems punctual.”</p>
<p>“Why isn't Legs sitting with us?” At the question, Gimli gave a great harrumph and began chewing his nails. Boromir and the Shirelings looked at each other. “What?”</p>
<p>The conversation was put on hold as the music started and the ceremony began. Aragorn was walking his mother down the aisle first. His friends were grinning. “He looks so happy, doesn't he!”</p>
<p>“Cleaned up well, too,” Sam added. Aragorn had probably never looked better. The short-tailed coat was black, with a double-breasted waistcoat in silver silk, completed by a wide, shawl collar. The matching tie was also in silver, and none of his friends had ever seen his shoes polished to such a mirrored shine. His hair was well combed, his beard was trimmed, and he did <em>not</em>, for once, look like he'd stumbled out of a wilderness camp. “I'd hardly recognize him.”</p>
<p>Celebrían was next, escorted down the aisle with a son on either arm, looking absolutely giddy for the occasion. Then, as the officiant, came Gandalf, who shot Pippin a look as he tried to wave for his attention.</p>
<p>But now the music changed to the bride's procession, and the guests stood – except Pippin, who didn't know he was supposed to do that and had to be hauled up by Boromir. Arwen had at last appeared, holding her father's arm with one hand, and a bouquet of gold and silver flowers with the other. She <em>was </em>breathtaking; in a gown of white, with silver stars made of beads, she walked forward, a court train of white lace gently sweeping the floor as she passed. It hung from her cap sleeves, sewn to the sweetheart neckline and emphasized by an empire waist.</p>
<p>“Wow...” Pippin whispered. “If I'd known she'd look like <em>that</em> going down the aisle, I'd have made Aragorn fight me for her.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, and lost.”</p>
<p>“Shh!”</p>
<p>“Dearly beloved,” Gandalf began in that deep, clear tone of his. “We are gathered here today to witness the union of Aragorn Elessar and Arwen Undómiel as they come together in the bonds of holy and eternal matrimony.</p>
<p>“Marriage,” he began the sermon in earnest, with all the tell-tale signs; folding his hands before him, shifting his weight onto his left leg. “Marriage is an act of sacred trust. It is the willingness to make one's self utterly vulnerable, with faith in the steadfastness of one's chosen partner.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, yeah...” Pippin whispered. “Let's get to the kissing.” Sam elbowed him.</p>
<p>Across the aisle, sitting next to Glorfindel, Legolas felt stricken. “It is the belief that even in the darkness of despair, one's beloved will always stand at one's side, doing their utmost to be a comfort and a bearer of light. It is the choice to light a candle for another, when all other lights seem snuffed out.” His palms were sweating.</p>
<p>“The couple has written their own vows, which they would like to share with you now.” He lifted his eyes to Aragorn, and nodded at him to begin.</p>
<p>“Arwen...” Aragorn didn't even tremble, holding his bride's hands, and his voice was low, but clear. If his words had been only for her, it would have sufficed. “I have been in love with you all of my life. I look across the vast distance of time that lies before and behind me, and there has never been a moment, never a doubt, that you are the one to whom I would give all my days.” He grew stronger as he spoke, almost taller, and the nave was silent. “You, who are wise, and clever, and compassionate; you, who are giving, and gentle, and strong – you, Arwen, are what makes me strive endlessly – to be half so much the man that you deserve. To be someone who you will be proud to stand beside. No matter what peril, what trial, stands between us, I will always come for you – from this day, to my last day. I love you, Arwen.” He stopped, and after a moment of quiet, looked up at Gandalf to indicate he had said his piece.</p>
<p>Gandalf cleared his throat, and smiled, whispering, “And you, Arwen?”</p>
<p>“Just a sec.” She had to take her hand from Aragorn to brush away tears forming on her lower lashes; her groom stepped forward, cupping her face in both broad hands and swiping any errant tears aside with his thumbs, which all the guests present clearly appreciated with soft murmuring.</p>
<p>Arwen cleared her throat, gathered her composure – and smiled. “Aragorn. Today I become your wife, and fulfill a choice I made long ago and far away. To tie yourself to another person forever is terrifying. What if we have made a mistake? What if we change? These were all questions I asked myself long before you ever asked me to be your wife.”</p>
<p>She swallowed, and continued more strongly: “But I said yes when you asked me for so many reasons. For one, you are the best man to ever draw breath, and not because of me, but because of <em>you</em>.” It was lucky this was the one time he couldn't argue with her. “You are noble, and giving, and kind – quick to defend those who cannot defend themselves; ready to stand against injustice even if it would be easier to run.</p>
<p>“And the other reason is because love <em>is</em> a choice. It is a decision, again and again, to build something with someone. To see them messy, or hurt, or weak, and to <em>want </em>to love them all the more. Not because it's easy, but because it's the only way to be complete. So many people, they never find the love we have, because they're scared there's something closer to perfect out there, the way I used to fear. But I tell you now and forever, even when paradise calls me, I'd rather be here, with you. I choose you, Aragorn, for all the days of my life.”</p>
<p>There was a deep silence, and it was a long time before Gandalf quietly took up the rings, handing the first to Aragorn, and saying, “Repeat after me: I place this ring upon your finger-”</p>
<p>“I place this ring upon your finger, and begin my life anew. Walk with me always, in darkness and in light. I pledge to you my very body, my very soul, and all my honor and dignity, from this day, to the end of my days.” It was a silver band with two serpents holding golden flowers in their teeth, flanking a green gem, the very ring his father had put upon his mother's hand.</p>
<p>“I place this ring upon your finger,” Arwen repeated, “and begin my life anew.” His ring matched by her design, a platinum band with the wings of eagles, and a brilliant green gem in the center. “I pledge to you my very body, my very soul, and all my honor and dignity, from this day, to the end of my days.”</p>
<p>“Then,” Gandalf continued, a small smile upon his mouth, “by my authority, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Go and kiss your bride, Aragorn.” He did not need encouragement, pulling her into his arms while the recessional music began in full crescendo.</p>
<p>“Merry, hand me one of them tissues...”</p>
<p>“What? Sam, are you crying?” he hissed. “Of all the – Pippin, Sam is crying.” He turned to his friend, but Pippin was too busy bawling to notice.</p>
<p>Legolas felt like he couldn't breath, and – through no conscious will of his own – turned and looked across the aisle to Gimli. He saw him in the gaps between the wedding party filing down the aisle and, to his amazement and hope, Gimli was looking back at him. He knew, suddenly, who it was he would choose.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“I couldn't get it to wrap correctly, so I just....Well, I'll put it on the table with the others. I just wanted you to know why it's just....as it is.”</p>
<p>“Gimli,” Arwen had picked up his gift, touching a hand to her breast. “This is incredible!” It was clear he had made it himself, a picture frame out of sterling silver, with flowers of twisted metal, and centers of brilliant, glittering crystals. In the frame was one of their engagement photos. Arwen leaned down and kissed his cheek. “You're a darling.”</p>
<p>He was beet red. “Well, I...”</p>
<p>Aragorn took his hand in a manly handshake. “I'll not kiss you, if that's alright. Thank you for being here, Gimli.”</p>
<p>“I didn't want a kiss from you anyway!” he huffed, putting his gift among the others on the table and making way for the next well wisher at the reception. He had been about to leave and scope out his seat among the many tables – when he noticed Legolas standing there; waiting, it was clear, for him. “Oh.....hello.”</p>
<p>“Hello.”</p>
<p>“You look....well.”</p>
<p>“So do you.” They continued to stand there, blocking traffic as others tried to shoulder in and drop off presents. “I understand if you don't want to, but can I please just talk to you, just for a moment? Alone?” Gimli nodded. They wove their way through the crowd of the reception hall, finding a quiet spot near one of the staff exits. “I owe you an explanation, for....for everything.”</p>
<p>Gimli couldn't look at him, shoving his large fists into his pockets. “I'm listening.”</p>
<p>“I really wasn't trying to hide anything, not intentionally. It's just....I was terrified of what you'd say, terrified I'd taken advantage of the person I love most in this world.” Gimli stirred a little for that, but did no more than glance up at him. “I should have just talked to you about it, but after you brought up the annulment – I thought...It's stupid, I realize that, but it felt like a rejection of me, of us.”</p>
<p>“Was there even an us?”</p>
<p>His eyes were far too wide and piercing, boring into Gimli's very being like that. “Don't you think there was?”</p>
<p>“I did...” he admitted, glancing up at him again. “But you pulled away when we should have been closer than ever before – and then I find you with <em>Aragorn</em>, of all people-”</p>
<p>“With Aragorn?”</p>
<p>Gimli looked at him. His tone certainly sounded convincing, like he genuinely didn't know what he was talking about, and not like he was playing at ignorance. “Talking in secret at the hotel...and all your excuses about wedding preparations-”</p>
<p>“That wasn't true, I admit that.”</p>
<p>“And then I find you in his arms in his office! Telling him you love him!” He shook his head. “I couldn't believe it, that you'd try to go after him when he was so close to all his happiness. I was so outraged, I-”</p>
<p>“Wait a second.” Legolas put his hand on his shoulder. “I have <em>no </em>idea what you're talking about.”</p>
<p>“You were there! That day!” Gimli was gesticulating more than was strictly necessary. “That day you came to the office! After you left, I felt so mixed up, I knew I needed to talk to someone...I went to see him, and you were there! In a passionate embrace!”</p>
<p>Legolas struggled to put the pieces together. “I went and talked to him, I don't remember-” It clicked. “You mean when I hugged him?”</p>
<p>Gimli huffed. “Yes! And told him you loved him!”</p>
<p>“Well of course I love him, you love him, everybody loves him, but that doesn't mean I-” He paused, knees buckling slightly so he had to steady himself against the wall. “You thought I was- about Aragorn? Oh. Oh, Elbereth, ew, I'm going to throw up.”</p>
<p>“Don't get sick here, someone's going to step in it!”</p>
<p>“How could you even think that! Me and Aragorn?” He pulled out his handkerchief and covered his mouth, composing himself. “Don't you know <em>anything</em>?”</p>
<p>“Well....I-”</p>
<p>“Why didn't you just talk to me about it?”</p>
<p>Gimli gave him a wry look. “The way you talked to me about what happened in Minas Morgul?”</p>
<p>He was caught, he had to admit. “...I guess we both screwed up, huh?”</p>
<p>“I guess we did.”</p>
<p>“Is it...” He couldn't look at him, had to look out across the crowd to will his eyes not to cry. “Is it ruined? Is this really it?”</p>
<p>There was a long silence. Slowly, Gimli took his hand. “I don't know if it is or not. But, even when I thought you were a floozy...I hoped it wasn't the end.”</p>
<p>Legolas looked at him, throat constricted. “...Me too.”</p>
<p>They couldn't stop staring at each other now, both hands coming together and fingers intertwining. “I never regretted what happened at Minas Morgul.”</p>
<p>“I didn't either.”</p>
<p>Gimli perked up. “You didn't? So it wasn't- I really was....good?”</p>
<p>Legolas closed his eyes and smiled. “Oh, you were good.” There was a purr on his lips, and Gimli grabbed his wrist, about to yank him down into a kiss-</p>
<p>When Gandalf happened to walk by.</p>
<p>They looked at each other – and instantly knew the thoughts of the other. “Gandalf!”</p>
<p>“Mithrandir!”</p>
<p>The poor man was cornered. “Legolas, Gimli, how nice to see you.” He was trying to smile, holding his cane almost defensively. “I was actually just on my way to find a restroom, so if you don't mind-”</p>
<p>“Gandalf, we need you to marry us!”</p>
<p>Gandalf looked from one to the other, brow slowly drawing down into an irritated V. “If I have to remind you two of the incredible impropriety of proposing at another person's wedding-”</p>
<p>“No!” Legolas waived him off. “Nothing like that, just say the words, right now, we want to be married.”</p>
<p>“Ah,” he sighed, setting his cane down with a light “tap.” “I think, given everything that has happened, advising some patience, and to slow down and appreciate each moment as it comes – I think that would be very much in order. Oh yes,” he added, when their mouths opened, “I know. Now, if you'll excuse me, the gentleman's room calls-”</p>
<p>They let him go, slowly looking at one another. “How do you suppose he- did you tell him?”</p>
<p>“Of course not.”</p>
<p>“It must have been Pippin.”</p>
<p>“It couldn't have been, I only told Aragorn.”</p>
<p>“He's a damned old wizard, I always said he was,” Gimli grumbled, still not letting go of Legolas' hand. “I suppose he has a point. There may be,” and his thumb stroked at his wrist, “a great deal to savor in all of this.”</p>
<p>Legolas smiled down at him, amazed at how he could still make him blush with such a simple motion. “Th-there's something I haven't said yet.”</p>
<p>“Well, what is it?”</p>
<p>They stopped walking. “I love you, Gimli. I don't know for how long, but....well, it doesn't matter. I do. And – it's you I'd choose.”</p>
<p>Gimli stood, brushing the tips of the other's fingers – before bringing them to his lips in a tender kiss. Legolas felt his knees buckle. “And I'd choose you as well.”</p>
<p>“<em>There </em>you are,” Boromir found them, seeming not to notice their position, putting an arm around each shoulder and guiding them back to the other guests. “Arwen is going to be throwing her bouquet in a minute, Frodo is saying he's going to push Sam out on the floor to catch it; but no way, <em>my </em>little brother's girlfriend is getting those flowers.”</p>
<p>“What do you want us to do, knock out the competition.”</p>
<p>Boromir tapped Legolas on the forehead. “See, Legs, that's why you're the brains, I always said so.”</p>
<p>The three returned to their table, where they were happy to find they were seated with all of their dearest friends. And yet, even with Aragorn marrying, and Legolas and Gimli suddenly finding themselves a couple (if they had not been already, without even knowing it), everything still felt wonderful and beautiful and whole.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Arwen's vows - and indeed, the title of this fic - are taken either thematically or literally from "I'd Give it All For You," from Jason Robert Brown's concept album "Songs for a New World." Thematically fits very well for Gigolas in particular, but I think the bridge is great for any elf in love with a non-elf.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. The Boy's Weekend, Finally</h2></a>
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    <p>Pippin had at last turned twenty-one, and was demanding an extravagant party worthy of the occasion. It happened that Legolas and Gimli needed to have their own bachelor parties, and as their friend circle heavily overlapped...</p><p>“No,” Aragorn protested in horror, freshly returned from his honeymoon and desperate for some normalcy. “Not again, you know what happened last time-”</p><p>“Minas Morgul!” Merry cheered. “Cirith Ungol, twenty meters of plastic tubing, water, physics, and <em>death</em>-”</p><p>“They have all those fancy, five-star chefs-”</p><p>“The floor shows, the table games-”</p><p>“Can we get those lobster tails again?”</p><p>“Hey.” Legolas sidled up to Boromir while the others yelled with excitement, or, in the case of Aragorn, argued. “It's a big day for our little Pippin. I think we ought to make it special for him, don't you?”</p><p>Boromir slowly grinned. “What, a repeat of those public pole dancing lessons?” Legolas smiled and said nothing, looking at his nails. “Oh, you're terrible. I love it.”</p>
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